Moms

I just saw a photo of Emma Claire - Elizabeth Edwards' daughter - online while trying to figure out why (why why why?) anyone would want to picket her funeral.  I didn't get too far, as the photo of John Edwards comforting Emma Claire brought tears to my eyes.  It made the passing of Elizabeth Edwards real to me. 

I can't say that I know exactly what Emma Claire is feeling, but I know how I felt when my mom died.  It's so complicated, all of the emotions coming and going as quickly as they arrive.  It's painful - really truly horribly cramping and crippling, all-encompassing...  I remember chewing a chip - one small potato chip - and thinking "I can't taste this, why is it in my mouth?" and wanting to spit it out but someone was talking to me so I forced it down.  I didn't eat again for a day and a half.  I laughed and cried and laughed while crying.  It was lonely, scary.  And there were so many plans, too.  More than once we accidentally called the funeral a wedding.  It seemed the same - flowers, announcements...

One day - one day - I am going to write a book about this.  It's my goal in life.  I took so many notes, wrote so much in my journal during this time.  Everyone said "It takes 5 years to get through all of the stages of grief".  I thought - 5 years??!?  - that's crazy.  But my oh my - it's been 4 1/2 years since my mom died, and now I see.  I guess that's why I feel for Emma Claire.  My mom's death is in the past now, and not nearly as painful, but just under the surface the tears are still there, ready to well up at any time.