5

July 28, 2011.  5 years since my mom died on July 28, 2006.  One of the first things I was told is that it takes 5 years to fully grieve.  "Five years?" I thought, not even comprehending at the time that my mom wouldn't be there tomorrow.  I hadn't even entered grief yet, I was still in shock.  But that allotted amount of time always stuck with me, for some reason. 


Five years, I would think randomly....then what?  Would the world magically become all poofy and fluffy and everything fine again?  Would I forget I even had a mom?  What was this arbitrary chunk of time?  The days, then months, and finally years tick-tocked away.  Life continued on.  And here I am at the five year mark already.  No, the world is not perfect, my mom isn't back.  And of course I haven't forgotten at all about my mom.  I can still feel her arms wrapped around my waist, hugging me from behind like she loved to do.  I still miss her every day, and wonder what she would think of me, what she'd have to say about my life, my plans. 


So many many many things have changed in 5 years, but the memories of her are so fresh.  At times it seems like so long ago that I got the call - startled awake by the cell phone ringing incessantly at 6 am.  Other times it's just yesterday that we were making plans for my birthday, that she was nagging me about getting a good job and going back to school.  The one thing that hasn't changed is her photo on my dresser.  She will never grow old to me, I will never see her with gray hair (more, she would add), more wrinkles, holding her grandkids, attending my wedding.  This is my reality now, a mom frozen in time.  It's not good or bad, it just is.  Maybe that's part of the 5-year thing, looking back and reflecting on life for a moment, accepting the situation as it is.  I still think it's a bit arbitrary, though.  Five years, 5 hours, my mom is still not with me in this world anymore.